woohoo. it's been more than a year since i last blogged. awesome-ness. actually, there wasn't any intentions to start blogging again. but i just had a random inclination to blog. so today will be one of those VERY VERY rare few times where i actually blog.gah. my english standard is deteriorating at the speed of light. could it because of who i mix around with thus causing me to speak more 'carefree-ly'? DARN. i couldn't even think of a proper word to substitute 'carefree-ly'. whatever in the world is 'carefree-LY'. bah. oh well. perhaps i ought to start writing more essays or writing in my diary to improve my english. it's really upsetting to know that i'm on a downhill ride. :Oanyway, dad, mom and wilson will be leaving in approximately 2 more days. sigh. it all seems so surreal. i just wish that they would bring me along. why in the world was i dumb enough to refuse daddy's offer to go to the US to study? let me list it out to see why i was naive enough to insist on staying back in singapore.reasons for deciding to stay back in Sg then:(at that point of time, this was what went through my mind. DARN.)1) since i'm studying in a bloody jc now, i would most likely take my 'A' levels next year.
this means that it would be a TOTAL waste if i chose to give up my studies because i had already gone through almost one year of school work and i had about only one more to go. BAHHHH.
2) mainly because i would miss my friends and him.
i liked him then. so at that point of time, i was thinking of him almost 24/7. i always went online just to check if he was there. and! i was pretty close to my clique then. it was during the june holidays. all i did was 'study' with them. we went out. chilled. had fun. it was awesome. i really felt i belonged somewhere for once. as such, it was really hard for me to just let go of everything and leave.
i guess these are the 2 main reasons why i decided to stay. but the thing that made me frustrated the most was that, i remember telling myself i must not regret my decision in the future. i told myself that i had to be sure of what i want. almost daily, i kept pondering if staying because of relationship, be it friendship, etc. was worth it. i knew very certainly that i did not want to be in this state now. BUT once again, i failed myself.
sometimes i feel so worthless when i'm too indecisive. i guess as daddy says, i should just face up to reality. but reality really is too harsh. i'm just too weak. that's why i know i need God's help. i can't help feeling guilty when yiheng asked me a question that day during youth service. he asked me, " is it true that people are more holy when it's nearing exams?..." then, i didn't think i was trying to be hypocritical and seek God's help to help me when i've strayed so far away from Him already. gah. it didn't strike me then. but subsequently, the impact of his words slowly sunk in. he said that on the saturday before the exam week. on monday, when i had my GP and econs paper, i kept praying fervently. i kept asking for God's help. for His guidance etc. i was really desperate. i needed a miracle. nothing short of a miracle. sigh. but once again, after my paper, i feel into temptation. to minimize asking God for help and not putting all my faith and trust in Him. i ask myself then. what's the point of seeking God's help if i'm not willing to trust him entirely? the whole purpose is defeated.
oh well. then Jean's msn hit me again. God helps those who help themselves. i wonder if God's trying to tell me that whatever effort i had put in is whatever result that i'm gonna get. i can only hope not. i really need a miracle to promote. instead of telling people that i trust in God and let him take over my exams, i kept telling them i'm on the verge of retaining. that i may have no hope. i guess i really wanted human/physical sympathy. i just don't put God before myself. not believing entirely that He too has plans for me in heaven. has a greater purpose for me. BAH. it seems all too late to wallow in self-pity now. it's my own fault for wasting away my holidays. not putting in my 110%.
but this is besides the point. my main reason for creating this post was to vent my frustrations and to let everything out. writing is too long and takes up too much time. this is way faster. anyway, as i was saying, dad, mom and wilson are leaving on monday. i really wanna go with them. i truly regret not accepting his offer. i mean how many people actually get to go overseas to study? not many! darn.. daddy and mommy both agreed to look for a school for me once they've settled down there. i know it seems so good. but deep down in my heart i know it's not impossible but the possibility is pretty low. i keep adding to daddy's guilt and stress. and despite knowing that, i constantly reiterate these two words. "Bring me..." sigh. actually, if daddy never got this posting to the states, i think our whole family would never have the chance to travel halfway around the world at all! God is great. He does really create opportunities and wonders. now i really have to put everything in Him. ask Him to allow me to join daddy and the rest in Idaho. it may be a small city. but i don't mind. sigh. i'm really gonna miss them.
everyone keeps telling me, jokingly, that it would be nice to have a lot of freedom etc. but honestly, now, i would give up the chance to purchase the laptop and all the freedom just to go to the states with them. but i must first and foremost, and most importantly, pray really really hard and ask God to fulfil my wishes. but if it's not His plan for me to go, i must admit i'll be disappointed and not just a tad bit. it'll be a whole lot. but i'm sure then He'll have other plans installed. sighhhhh.
GOD, i really wish everything would be fine, that i could turn back the clock just once and agree to go with daddy. i really really wanna. sigh. GOD, i miss you. i've strayed so far away that when i'm in trouble, you're the first i think of anymore. now, even praying and worshipping you has become so limited. i don't even dare to jump to worship you anymore. i think i worry more about my image than in worshipping you. i know i'm guilty of all these. will you forgive me? i know i need you. and that life is gonna be really tough without you. in fact, i don't even know if i can go through each day with sanity without you. deep down in my heart, i know that i really yearn for you and when i'm really at my wits ends. you're there for me not matter what. sigh. i know i sound hypocritical, but i know you accept all my faults and i do do do LOVE you a whole lot. sigh. I MISS YOU. i wanna go back into your embrace where everything felt so much safer and warmer. GOD, draw me back to you again. teach me how to love like you have loved me once more. let me feel the innocence in worshipping you again. I TRULY NEED YOU IN MY LIFE.
GOD, please help me fill that void when they leave. i'll really miss them.
I MISS YOU DADDY,
I MISS YOU MOMMY,
I MISS YOU WILSON.
will you miss me too? i will join you! i will!
LOVE vera.
