That night, was lonely.

My Story

30 November 2006

i'm jus so frigging pissed but who cares? i mean like for one. youth camp is irritating me. for two *YOU -> *S should jus stop being such a darn suck la huh. i mean sometimes i think that *YOU only care about *YOURSELF you know? whyy? i thought like we were on good terms last time. probably now only *YOUR other friends catch *YOUR attention la. mayb it's like for one we jus don't really share common interests perhaps? i'm jus someone who used to keep you accompany. or actually perhaps not la. i guess it's my turn to jus say i'm disappointed in *YOU la. however, i doubt *YOU will come here in the first place and see this so good for *YOU la. i dunno wat to say.

*S

somehow i dunno wat to say abt YOU. perhaps it was naive thinking that led me to believe that perhaps i was lucky enough to be on good terms wit YOU. but then who was i to be allowed to harbour such wishful thoughts. perhaps i dun like say really enjoy being as outgoing as YOU la? or i jus think tt sometimes YOU saying f*** blah blah is so not like YOU? and that YOU acting guai-er in front of some others is like so fake. no wait. YOU are jus shit la. WTH la you. if you enjoy f-ing so much why dun YOU jus go screw YOURSELF wit something. perhaps after this i'll be so darn n frigging pissed of and MORE DISAPPOINTED in myself than YOU but i guess i jus dun wanna stop lying to myself anymore and say that YOU r jus having one of those tempermental days. if YOU seriously jus wanna ignore me again. n only talk to me when YOU feel like it. den jus go bang YOUR bloody smart brain on the wall. can i jus say that YOU are so selfish? I probably can't cos i'm worse than YOU la. oh well. take good care then. i jus had enough of YOU already.

youthCAMP

okay so i guess it's my fault la now. that all these problems are arising. wat am i going to do? i'm screwed. and so jus frigging irritated and jus enjoy WHINING in someone's terms. perhaps if you dun wan to listen to wat i have to say then you shouldn't have jus asked me to tell you. i'm so dumb to believe that you were actually willing to hear abt all the complaints tt i had. i can't believe how naive i've been all this time. but that's besides the point now. youth camp is like only 4 days from now i presume but since i have marlene jie2's wedding to attend i'll treat is as 5 days from now. apparently i was told tt i could go to malaysia from the 7th to the 11th of Dec. i was so looking forward to that. but ytd night while i was packing my table and before val went to slp. she told me that, "if you don't go for camp now you still have to pay $80." i'm like wat the hell?! i'm so dead la. haii. den i quickly sms-ed shann. asked her whether it was true she was like ya. "cos everything settled alr" i was like for a moment frozen on where i was seated. i was so lost. die. but is like i dunno how la. i told shann that i would try to find someone to replace me and tell her by today. seriously i don't have any confidence that there'll be any difference. whyy am i so unlucky these few days? i jus suck la. den is like i called so many ppl up but i dun think there was any use. i really feel very screwed up now. life's a mess. on huge horrible pile of shit and mess. it jus sucks la. i mean like all the while i din wanna go for this camp. but as i said in my previous post. val and ying registered for me. now i ask val like how. and she went like " you don't come and bug me with your problems" when i called her during her lunch hour jus now she said " if you called me jus to scold and complain about your problems, you can....." i din hear the last part was so fed up i hung up. i'm so sick and tired or this bloody camp la. i really din wanna go. why did all of you have to force me? i didn't willingly say i wanna go. if you lack the numbers you still can't or don't have the right to force ppl okay. shit you la. u think forcing is the way to go ard. u're so wrong. one day u'll see that. but now wat the hell am i going to do? i can only like try to find ppl to replace me or smth. Charmaine can't go apparently cos she going on hol on the 10th so not enough clothes and stuff liddat la. so den Felicia got her church stuff. Bel cnnt go etc. i'm like so dead now. u tell me la. now i counting on XZ. but i doubt there'll be any difference. i'm screwed. someone jus take a pistol and shoot me in my bloody head. i'm wanna jus say that i shouldn't be having to handle the whole bloody problem on my own cos i wasn't the one who registered myself yet is like i'm supposed to COS I CAN'T TAKE THE BLOODY F-ING REGISTRATION PAPER OUT OF THE BOX. AND WHO'S FAULT IS IT? NO ONE COS SOME PPL JUST HAD TO KAY-POH AND FILL IN THE FORM FOR ME AND ALSO PROVIDE MY INFORMATION. WHY DON'T U ALL JUS STAY AWAY FROM ME LA. I THIINK I PREFER MY OWN QUIET ENVIRONMENT ON MY OWN.

who can save me now? i dun wanna go for camp!

bloody shit mess i'm in now.

who's gonna b helping me? i'm so tired of thinking of all these bloody problems when i wasn't the one who directly caused them. sorry for the trouble but i think perhaps we should all reflect.

-13:24-

27 November 2006

i'm so tired. i was tinking. mayb it's me. no wait. definitely me. it jus sucks la.

FITTING IN

fitting into clothes is difficult sometimes when you jus don't have it your size. the same goes for other stuff i guess. if you jus dunno where you stand perhaps it's jus like i'll never be able to fit in anywhere. i've finally understood that the problem doesn't lie in anyone else but in me. how pathetic can i get la. i'm hopeless. retarded. shit myself la. i can so go screw myself. so shit. mayb it's like wat i tink is diff from how i act i guess. jus tt u see when i criticise u* i jus like start to think and recently, i've come to this conclusion that it's not u* who is jus being so fake. perhaps it's me. cos u*'re the same everywhere u* go. only thing is tt i jus can't stand how u* "suck up" to ppl indirectly. or mayb it's jus how i can't so i'm jealous or smth liddat la. who cares anyway. i'm jus too tired to do anything rite now.

in school it's like i can jus b such an ass. irritant and like be so frank etc. but when i go to church i like act super guai. irritating. bugger sister. (<- suck la).i mean the whole part la. is it me jus being fake or shld i jus b how i am in sch everywhere i go? when i go out wit frens i tink i'm someone else again. jus who am i? sheesh. is this wat they call an identity crisis.? argh. mayb not. i feel so shit. but who cares again anyway. ppl care about themselves n their peers. but i jus dun feel part of the peers part. i jus feel so like happy feet in the beginning when he was so discriminated cos he didn't have a heart song. and had to stay on one pathetic iceberg all alone while everyone was having fun on another island. it jus sucks. the feeling. when can i find myself again. i wanna be myself but yet feel more comfortable and not so shit u noe. shit everything la.~ buggerS.

youthCAMP

i dun wanna go for youth camp. i was so bent on not going for camp this year. cos i jus don't quite like it la. i mean wat's the point of going if you jus noe you'll be alone. and like bloody pathetic tt kinda ting. esp since i jus dun particularly say enjoy doing all those activities. i so hope that charmaine can pei me. GO CHARMAINE!! i'm insane now. haii. ying took the form and filled it in for me. don't blame her la. but shit val. <-YOU gave ying all my particulars. so i'm like registered. i hate being forced to do wat i don't want okay. shit you(not val, not ying either) la. i jus tink tt u so friggin sickening la. why do u tink u're so hilarious? so like wat the hell. sorry tt i'm not like my sister apparently but sometimes if you wan me to be like her then WTH. u can go bang ur head on the wall. i'm so sick and tired of ppl comparing me and her la. probably she feels the same way? who knows? so go screw urself la. but apparently daddy is 'forcing' me to go too. i mean like i'm no longer some bloody 10 year old anymore? i can make my own decisions without killing myself you know? i know wat is rite and wat is wrong. so can't i jus choose to do smth tt i wan.? STOP FORCING PPL TO DO WAT THEY DON'T WANNA DO. tt statement is for anyone in general. i dun care if like i get negative comments abt this pathetic post. but still. if u're not happy jus leave la huh.

WTH.

conclusion?

i guess tt perhaps it's jus time for me to shut up la. i tink tt being who i wan to be and all jus irritates me. i figure tt if one day i can jus stop being myself. i would jus do something crazy. like probably do bungee jumping on some high bridge. but i doubt i'll ever be tt insane. anyway. sharon's coming back soon. WELCOME BACK SHARON!! if you ever see this in the first place. haii. sorry to certain ppl for offending you la. i'm jus so tired of following "change is the only thing constant" and like trying to keep up wit times. "updating myself" if u ever understand wat friggin ting i'm saying in the first place. but i can only describe myself in this phrase. TIRED IRRITATING JEALOUS soul. and probably lots more. haii.

all i want is to know that things will be as they were before. i miss the past. detest the present. never looking forth to the future.

where's my opportunity? treasure it when it comes by.

-00:07-

25 November 2006

birthday was boring. super boring. woke up at like who knows wat time. called wendy. went to GV Tamp to watch movie. watch material girls. such a stupid show la. waste of time and money. is like quite shit.. argh. wanted to leave halfway but i'm not some rich kid so didn't cos din wanna waste money. blech. oh wells. siann. after the movie. walked ard a bit. den stood outside this shop under the mrt and chat for about 15 mins i tink then we went home cos nth else to do. NO! wait. she bought me a cake. yay. haha. cut it in half and shared. THEN went home. LOL. so swt. den went to ah ma's hse for dinner and went home. daddy bought me another cake. yumm. so nice to eat. not a very wonderful one i guess. but at least it was better den doing nothing at home! but i spent my own money! sad la.now i no money alr. broke.

anyway. this is dedicated to someone.

if you think you're like so darn great den fine la. wth. who cares. u always think u're right and others is wrong. probably so. this is so not the first time i said it. but u nv believed and always think tt i'm lying to jus like make myself feel better. if you tink that way then go ahead. who cares. wat the hell. i'm always jus so useless compared to you rite? wateva. is like so wat if you're better den me in some ways. so more smarter in ways not exactly in studies. but sometimes i wonder if you're jus being fake in front of everyone den when u're behind closed doors you're jus so different. screw yourself la. is like sometimes i even look up to you and sometimes wish i were a little like you but end up i think perhaps not. i can't say that i'll feel this way forever but i noe most of the time i do. i can say that mayb sometimes i'll regret writing this but sometimes i wish i would have written much nastier things. i wish that sometimes i could jus learn to do THIS (not meaning writing this but smth else) but i jus think i would rather stick to being myself la. mayb it's not the best way to do things but at least i feel more comfortable being myself rather den to jus become a different person in front of different ppl. perhaps we don't share the same sentiments. but anyhow. i still think that u and i both need to jus fix that lose screw in our heads somehow. u jus need to stop thinking that everyone's blaming you for everything so u use it as an excuse to blame others. and i jus need to stop being so irritating and jus start understanding the situation ard me. perhaps this is the case but i can't realy say u have to do it rite? haii. i dunno you la. but i certainly need to start doing smth. esp changing my perspective on many things such as you for one.

this all sucks.

-12:04-

17 November 2006

5 more days!

yay. err. okayy. so like today din do much. woke up early at 8 *considered early considering the fact that it's a holiday and i usually wake up ard like 10 or so? Lol. err. rushed down to coral primary to attend my cousin's prize-giving ceremony. so pathetic. they started late. the GOH had to leave early. the performance was so long. siann la.

but aunt Nancy said, " after the whole thing, bring Timothy to ws to eat lunch den bring him home"

i was like okayy. so i waited. she left ard 9.30? yeahh. den i waited till ard 11 plus. den he took his time. slowly talk to his frens. i waited at the sch gate. den at the bus stop he borrowed my fone called his fren den sat down at the bus stop discussing his nxt destination with another friend. i sat down too. waited patiently while he discussed............ then he finally finished. he asked me to wait for him at the bus stop cos i din intend to follow him ard anymore. it was so irritating alr. den he disappeared. where to? i had no idea la. apparently he went back into sch. after prob 10 mins or so of waiting for him like a dumb dumb at the bus stop, he finally reappeared. with 2 girls. okayy. hmm. so he came out he din like apologise or anything. HELLO?! I'M SO NOT YOUR MAID. I'M NOT PAID TO WAIT FOR YOU?! but i alr promised my aunt so okayy la. but is like pls la? he not onli tt. he walked on wit his fren and jus said to me. "okayy. let's go." and walked away. didn't he notice how pissed i was. is like WTH sia. stupid fella. still so rude.

walked to ws. he kept irritating me. jus giv me his money and go home la. i'm like den i waited for you so long for wat? den i kept asking him to shut up. though i noe i wasn't entitled to la. but he got on my nerves alr. and is like all the way to ws he wouldn't shut up. so i went on to bring him in. he ask where i wanna eat. i jus said up to him. so is like he said macs so i went along. he den went to sit with his schoolmates. i dun tink he even noes them. but he jus arghhh.. so after that he placed his bag on the floor and went down to buy his stuff after i gave him his money. he took so long to come back. he only bought an iced milo. mayb the queue long? but i doubt it. then when came back i din wanna sit wit him at the table so i said go to ntuc to buy my food. so i asked him to follow me. den he insisted on leaving so i said okay. bye. den left him.. idiot. i had to wait for Daddy. so loitered ard ws for like half an hour or so? i saw him again halfway. doing the same thing. wandering in and out of shops. so i went to approach him. he din hv a way to contact his fren. figured he needed the phone. so i went into the shop. i tapped him on the shoulder. he was like oh hello. den he said can i borrow ur fone? BINGO! well wat do you know. after he made his call. i asked him to go to the food court wit me cos i wanted to get a drink. he went lo.. he finally decided to eat so he was like ask me to take care of his bag. i waited till he came back den went to buy my drink. but by then jus nice Daddy sms me say meet him. so i left him there by himself to eat his lunch. but HEY! i offered my phone to him again jus in case first okayy. but he rejected the offer so okay lo. i left and that's THE END!

argh. such an irritating morning cos of him.

then afternoon went for tuition first lesson. so funny the guy. as in he is funny not cos of wat jokes n stuff but the ben ren jiu hao xiao le. lol. the moment we- michelle woo, charmaine, ezabel and i saw him, we all laugh like siao la. so funny. haii. anyway nxt lesson on Fri at 4 p.m better not forget.. hopefully he won't waste my money la... *fingers crossed*

-would it hurt for you to say your sorry? i wanna noe how you feel. jus you.说一声对不起很难吗？

-00:28-

14 November 2006

after like so many days. i tink i totally giv up blogging le la. i mean it's so sian la. err. dunno why either. but anyways, today went to VCH for choral exchange apparantly. totally boring. but gotta admit. commonwealth sec, tkss, catholic high, vs all the choir quite nice sehh. err. well tt's besides the point. is like waste of time but for the sake of points i shall stay!!! jia you man!! super boring...

ehh. happy birthday in advance to me. i'm waiting for it to come. let me think 8 more days.

8

heh. count down... i wanna go either sakae or pizzahut. see if like i get the money to do so.. ahh. waiting..

veRa-

cross out all the differences and it's a match-

-21:37-

08 November 2006

sian. so bored these few days. i lost my voice again for the 2nd time in two years. lol. not bad la. hmm. anyway. cos of this i didn't go for bridging for today and yesterday. skipped bio and last day of emaths (= overjoyed. i think that bio is seriously sucky. horrendous. murderous. wateva la. i have almost never passed my bio based on my papers. how suck is that? haii. screw bio.

anyways. ytd. when i went to see the doc i couldn't ans her. she laughed la. so horrible. but before that had to register at the counter. den after that is like i had couldn't ans the receptionist as usual so when she waited for an ans. i was laughing to myself. kinda anyway cos she din noe i couldn't talk. funny. after tt went to buy bread at elias mall de begawan solo. so i was "talking" to my brother den at the counter summore. the lady saw tt i couldn't talk she laugh oso la. horrible. what is this world coming too? my goodness.

asked my dad to get an mc for me to not go school today cos i still practically couldn't talk. din really wanna go for e math anyway. i forgot tt today got sch. so when the doc ask me whether need to cover for today i said nvm. shit man. lucky my dad took for me. in the end i still went to school for prefects meeting. though it was kinda unnecessary i tink. if my dad was home he would hv killed me. haha. cos i made him get it "for nothing". so i won't tell him. which reminds me that i hafta go n prepare the camp kit list. during the meeing couldn't really talk. had to whisper. pathetic me. although to me it kinda seems fun.

had the sore throat for almost a week. so finally lost my voice like 2-3 days ago. whoopie. was waiting for it. quite fun. haha. though a bit sian cos cnnt join in conversations. at least ppl will enjoy the silence or irritance for a few days cos i talk got the weird low voice now.

poor sis has O lvls so i kinda am irritating her indirectly now. although i kinda enjoy it but it's a crucial year so shan't be so evil to her la. i'm nice for goodness sake. lol. nahh.

changed my phone!! finally after 4 years. changed to Nokia 6280 on sat. WEEEEE~~~i noe a lot of ppl got that phone la but then can change my phone is good already. i like it too. haha. now i can wait till my sis and bro change their phones then we can play play play!!! wee~ mom asked me to get orange but decided to take black. xiu zhen got the orange one. din really like it. not my type la. i almost didn't get that phone la. almost had to get some ugly motorola phone that had almost no functions except the normal. siann. but made a deal wit her that i'll pay half or the price. oh yeah. signed a new plan too!! so is like every month got abt 1000 free sms. good for me la. but if i exceed the amt every month hafta fork out the money by myself or she might do something to my phone like kidnap it or something. won't want that to happen. never never. lazy to upload songs into my phone too. i still got my mp3 anyway.

so many people have finished some homework at least and yet i still haven't exactly started any of my homework so shit. i'd better start soon cos is like holidays are quite short only okayy. and hafta hand in english compo on the 17 of nov i think. 9 more days only!! ahh!!!!!

i'm gonna count down to my birthday. hehe. err let's see. 14 MORE DAYS!!

have you thought about how it feels?

<3>

-17:15-